


Insanity

by backtoblack101



Category: Orphan Black
Genre: Angst, F/F, Gen, Panic Attacks, soccercop - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2014-05-12
Packaged: 2018-01-24 10:45:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1602101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/backtoblack101/pseuds/backtoblack101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Follow-up to 'Sanity'. Alison now has to come to terms with losing Beth once she finds out Donnie is her monitor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Insanity

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt 1: LOVED Sanity!! Could you make a follow up where Ali just found out Donnie's her monitor and now freaking out/breaking stuff bc of what she gave up with Beth to stay true to him?
> 
> Prompt 2: Ouch, right in the feels! Would love a continuation of this for a bit though, just to see Ali's POV & aftermath.

_“I’m married Beth.”_

_“I know Ali, I know, but-”_

_“But nothing. I’m married. I have a husband and kids and a whole other life Beth. Don’t get me wrong I… I love you too, but this… This isn’t anything permanent. This isn’t anything real.”_

_“Ali…”_

_“No honey, I’m Donnie’s domestic goddess, not yours. That’s just the way this needs to be.”_

How could she have been so stupid?

She wasn’t Donnie’s anything. She was just his subject. She was nothing but his lab rat that he’d been tasked with monitoring.

She felt hot tears build up blurring her vision and threatening to spill down her cheek. She gripped at her kitchen counter and let out a frustrated scream instead, not stopping until she felt the back of her throat begin to burn.

She wiped at her cheeks, though her tears fell relentlessly and eventually she just gave up. She screamed again then, glad that her children were at her mothers and Donnie was at work. This time the scream hitched in her throat as a sob shuddered past it.

She’d been something to Beth though. She’d been Beth’s everything in fact and she’d thrown it all away. And for what? For a husband that didn’t love her and a life that wasn’t really hers.

She wanted to scream and cry and curl up into a ball and –

No, what she really wanted to do right now was break something. She wanted to destroy something just like Donnie had destroyed her by lying to her and just like Beth had destroyed her by loving her.

She wiped at her eyes frantically, trying to clear her tears and un-blur her vision just long enough to find something to smash. Her eyes fell to dishes drying on the counter. They’d do.

She lunged towards them. She could feel her body heaving as angry sobs shook through her, and her hand shook as she picked up the first plate.

She didn’t hesitate though. She threw it clean across the room, feeling a dangerous energy run through her when it smashed against the wall.

“That’s for lying to me,” she seethed, groping blindly behind her until her hand caught a coffee mug.

She threw it with just as much force this time towards the floor in front of her, feeling shards jump back against her leg when it splintered.

“That’s for betraying me,” she growled, her tears cascading faster than ever now, as she reached back again, her hand this time closing in around another plate.

She screamed again when she threw it, barely hearing it smash against the hard tiles as the screech tore up through her chest, ripping her organs to shreds.

“That…” she paused, her lungs heaving as she fought to take in enough oxygen. “That’s for Beth.”

The name stopped her in her tracks as her hand hovered over the dishes behind her. Her breath hitched and her knees gave in and her body slumped to the floor like a dead weight. She felt something scrape at the back of her calf, probably one of the cup shards, and she felt the warmth of her own blood trail down the back of her leg.

“What’ve I done?” The appalled whisper was eerily articulate through her tears. “Oh god.” She could feel her heartbeat racing and suddenly she couldn’t catch her breath. “I killed her,” was the last words she managed before the panic attack seized at her body.

She felt like she was dying. Part of her wished she was dying. She couldn’t see and she couldn’t breathe, and everything seemed to be miles in the distance. Terror clung to every fibre of her being as blood shot in spirals through her body pushing adrenaline along with it until she was sure she’d pass out. She didn’t pass out though, and part of her felt like she didn’t deserve to pass out anyway. Instead she sat on the cold floor trying desperately to regulate her breathing and simultaneously trying to fight off the thought that this was the least of what she deserved.

She didn’t know how long she’d been sitting there by the time she finally felt herself return in some way to the world around her. All she knew was that she was shaking, and that the cut on her leg was throbbing, and that her head was spinning, and that her world was still in ashes around her, and that nothing had changed.

Donnie was still her monitor.

Beth was still dead.

And there was nothing she could do now but live with the fact that she’d made all the wrong choices and there was no taking them back.


End file.
